What do you want from me? What do I want from you? Why do we wear the label "Christian?" If we read the Bible from cover to cover we easily come to the conclusion that the Bible is a book that talks about two major relationships--God and man and man and man. One of the major aspects of being alive is that we are able to enter into relationships that are fun, exciting, and warm. These relationships are called friendships. Christians are to become "good" friends with God and each other.
Who are you? Who am I? In the initial phase of a relationship these questions are answered. Who I am is largely what I think and how I respond to you, others and my environment. Ditto for you. Getting to know you and others is what life is all about. In order for me to know you, you must "open up" to me and feel comfortable in doing it. I must do the same. Unfortunately, if you do not understand and appreciate yourself (that does not mean you narcisstically love yourself) you will not accept and appreciate me. There are two extremes to avoid in relationships, "wondefulizing" ourselves or others and "demonizing" ourselves or others.
Relationships grow rapidly during their initial stages, probably because there is a certain excitement about creating new friendships. And then, most of us value highly friendships that we can open up in. However, opening up does not mean we have go into "gory" details of our past. It means letting others know what we think about current situations.
The more open and self-disclosing we are in our conversations with others, the more likely others will like us. Self-disclosure should be honest, genuine and unaffected. It should be reciprocated in kind or there will be a tendency to feel vulnerable, exposed and not open up any further.
To be sure, there is a certain amount of risk involved in opening up to others. How we respond to the others' self-disclosure can either build or destroy the relationship. This is where Christians need to be very careful. Many of us can be extremely judgmental, damning and condemning. Acceptances, understanding and warmth build a relationship. Try to avoid strong disagreements in new relationships. Damning and condemning expressed in statements like, "How could you do that?" tend to help their recipients think they have committed the unpardonable sin. The purveyor of such statements usually soon leaves the relationship in a self-righteous tirade. He or she has become too good to associate with a "dirty rotten sinner." Writing on the ground may bring "goody two shoes" back into reality and help him realize that his friend has not committed the "unpardonable sin." Perhaps he may see the three fingers pointing back at him (John 8:4-l0).
God reveals (self-discloses) Himself as our Creator Father and best friend. We can trust Him. He knows every aspect of our past and has not rejected us because of it.
Trust is important
The development and nuturance of trust is important in any relationship because it is foundational. Relationships are not enjoyable if there is a lack of trust. They become uncomfortable. Abraham was a good friend of God. "I know my servant Abraham that he will do all that I ask him." Trust is essentially the knowledge that we will respond to the other person in a positive manner. To build strong friendships people need to know we will accept them. "I know my friend Mike will treat me fairly. He will not reject me if he finds out I have "flaws.""
For you to like me and me to like your we must trust each other (do not confuse this kind of trust with what the Bible says about trusting a man for salvation). If we tell the details of anothers' self-disclosure that may be construed as being untrustworthy.
The most effective means of communicating trust is through the expression of affection for another. Telling people we like them, smiling, sharing experiences, and hugging creates trust.
Silence is not "golden" in relationships. It tends to be perceived as indifference at best and rejection at worst. If we do not communicate with people to the extent they to communicate with us, they will not trust us.
Summation
Two keys to building enjoyable friendships are self-disclosure and trust. We will explore other factors involved in building friendships in the second part of this article.
How can you Build Strong Relationships?
(Part 2)
Each person brings to a friendship certain expectations. These expectations can be simple or complex. Unfortunately, most of us are only vaguely aware of these expectations. Nevertheless, when people meet our expectations, we generally tend to appraise them highly. We like people that do the things that we want them to do. When people stop doing the things we want, we change our appraisal towards the negative. The friendship becomes less enjoyable. We'll talk more about some of these expectations later in this article.
We can think of friendship as a bank account into which friends deposit and withdraw from. If care is not paid to the balance, it can easily go out of kilter. If we make the mistake of only taking from the account, there won't be anything for the other person. The account becomes unbalanced. The relationship is then in trouble.
Put simply, friendships deteriorate because people don't get what they want from them. If we want to make a relationship last, we had better determine what our friend wants from the friendship and try to give what he wants. For the friendship to be balanced, both partners must get a significant amount of what they want from the relationship. Therefore, it's important both partners keep a watchful eye on the "balance."
Suppose a friend treats you to lunch several times. He is depositing into the friendship account. Naturally, you feel warm and good because its nice to be treated to lunch. Perhaps you would not go to lunch because you could not afford it if you were not treated. Your friend pays because he may want your company. A heartfelt thanks would be in order. But, if your friend perceives that you have the money but are simply too "tight" to reciprocate, your friendship account will soon be out of balance. Continue to take without giving and you will find your friend negatively responding to you or avoiding you. Just as a farmer does not plant seeds without expecting to get something in return, so, people do not give and give without expecting something in return. We keep a mental record of our transactions with others. Too many withdrawals from the friendship account without deposits and the friendship will be in trouble.
That's reality!
Basic Wants
There are some basic things that people want from friendships--honesty and integrity go without saying. There is nothing that will unbalance a friendship quicker than lies and dishonesty. Keep your word if you possibly can. If you have to break a promise, let your friend know. Most people are understanding enough to know that we can't always do what we say.
Another requirement for good friendship is time spent together. Spreading yourself to thin makes you everybody's friend and nobody's friend.
Anger has no place in friendships. We can say some nasty things when we are heated. Anger is one of the best ways to wipe out a friendship account. If you have a problem with anger, work on it. But, leave it out of your friendships. It is more effective to calmly disagree and discuss a subject than to display anger. Replace anger with "appropriate concern."
Understanding & Acceptance
More than any other characteristic in a relationship, people want to be understood and accepted. When a friend has a struggle with something that matters a great deal to him but he hasn't overcome, behaving non-judgmentally will create more appreciation in our friend than we might imagine.
People often play a game in their mind called "If they knew." They muse, "If they knew 'this' about me, they probably wouldn't be my friend." The person is attempting to determine if the friendship can withstand reality (that people are fallible, flawed creatures). Many friendships end because God has not made people as "perfect" as we think they ought to be. That's something we really need to think about. Encouraging a person to overcome a weakness is fine. Insisting by our attitude that a friend must overcome a weakness, or turn it into a lifelong obsession, puts a lot of stress on a friendship. Disappointment soon follows, when our "great expectations" are not met!
Enjoyable Friendships
What makes a truly enjoyable and a long lasting friendship? Affection. Friendships thrive on it. Telling people we like them, giving them a "bear" hug or doing some other nice act goes along way to make friendship blossom. We like people that are thoughtful, considerate, kind hearted, understanding--nice. If you would build a friendship, be nice. A card, a gift, a letter, praise, and appreciation keep the friendship account full.
If she thinks an anniversary is the most important time of the year to her. We had better play up that day as much as we can. Get her flowers, take her out to dinner and attempt to satisfy her every whim. If he likes roast and potatoes on his birthday, we had better do our best to make sure he has gets just that. It may be a challenge to figure out what our friend's desires are, because we are all different. However, figuring out what another persons desires are and then trying to reasonably satisfy them goes a long in keeping a friendship balanced and happy.
Leadership
Leadership is shared and goes back and forth among friends most of the time without notice. No one is a dictator--leading is by consensus. Whoever is most qualified in a particular area emerges as the leader for the particular situation. If leadership does not flow freely back and forth in the friendship the friendship becomes unbalanced. "Good" friends often share leadership without even realizing it. They understand give and take is a part of life.
We have all been in friendships where we felt we were giving, and getting little in return. How long was it before the friendship ended once we started thinking we were being used? But, that's what happens when someone takes more than they give in a relationship. Look at our divorce statistics and you will see that this statement is true.
How do you know if you are giving the other person what they want? When all else fails, ask. Do the little things. Make note of a person's Birthday and send them a card. Plan a special evening where both friends enjoy a concert, a play a wholesome movie together. Do something together. Reward positive behavior by statements like, "It was nice of you to send the card." Etc.. We can be detectives to find out other's likes and dislikes. These and other positive steps help build relationships. Above all be creative. But do something!
Best Type
Essentially, the best type friends to be are those that can stand on their own two feet (male or female). Make an effort to be mentally healthy. The psychologically healthy individual is able to be happy with or without things (as was the Apostle Paul). He or she desires and usually has several good friends or can have a main friend as a marriage partner. They have the green-eyed monster under control. He or she is jealous in the sense they want to continue an enjoyable partnership, but they are not overly jealous. As long as friends spend enough time with each other they don't mind their friends having other interests--which can mean hobbies or other friends. If he likes Monday night football-- she sees no threat in letting him enjoy that while she spends an evening with the girls or does something else that interests her.
Playing Roles
Too often married friends think they own each other. They stop being friends and start playing a role called "husband and wife!" The idea that another person is property is as pernicious as the day is long. When people stop getting what they want from a friendship they often start to manipulate the other partner by claiming ownership. It rarely works for long, because we are autonomous. Sometimes, people will even use the laws of God to try and make their partner do what they "demand. " Unfortunately, demands don't exactly endear us to others. Realistically, relationships are largely voluntary. That's something we best realize. If we don't have the other person's heart, all the threats in the world are not going to make the relationship work.
What Works?
What makes people stay in a relationship is the balance in their friendship account. Our attitude had better be one of willingness to give value for value or we will not succeed in maintaining a friendship. People divorce people that are snotty, unthoughtful, constantly taking without giving, demanding, unnegotiable, mean spirited, and "right!" If you want to avoid ending a friendship, check your attitude and change it, if it is out of line. Above all, keep your friendship account balanced.
Many Christians have unfortunately gullibly swallowed the idea that a mate is suppose to "complete" them. This erroneous idea causes much mischief in relationships. A little reasoning will expose its falsity. The Bible says that a woman was to be a help meet for a man. A help meet helps out where the help is desired. The stronger and more independent, the more desirable the "help" meet is. When we are "needy," a friend that tries to fill our sick "needs" tires quickly. Half-there people, make poor friends. They require constant attention, are usually obsessed with themselves, spend an inordinate amount of time concerned with having their own sick "needs" met, and therefore have little time to devote to anything--let alone someone else.
The most enjoyable relationships we can have are friendships. If we keep our friendship accounts balanced, they will last a lifetime!
Strip Ministry of Waxing
